Friday, March 30, 2012

There's No Win in Comparison

I suffer from my constantly comparing myself to others. I struggle and I suffer and I anticipate that someday I will come to know what this "freedom" with Christ would be like in this very specific place in my heart.
A lot of it is probably habitual - I am in the habit of constantly finding something to compare with myself (and never measuring up!)
I've struggled with a diagnosed ED before... and I kind of think that because I don't have an ED anymore that my suffering with simply being miserable about who I am is okay. I mean, I'm not doing physical damage. I eat (usually more than I should) every day, and keep food down. I workout, I run a LOT. I take much better care of my body...
I beat myself up EVERY DAY about how I am not ... what am I not? That's the thing, though, that really irks me. What I get upset about not being - is not what I really want to be. But I still feel so insecure about myself, not being certain things with certain degrees and a certain body makes me feel so inferior. And so small.
Steve has encouraged me to really seek what the Lord's will for my life is. Steve thinks that he knows - but he said that I need to really seek God whole heartily and wait for Him to reveal what He wants to do with me. I am so easily distracted in prayer - it is so hard for me to focus & reflect on any one specific subject.

A lot has been hard, lately, and that doesn't help. I don't have friends yet here to spend time with, and I spend a lot of time alone while Steve is at work. I do go to a women's Bible study one day a week. I run so much (training for my first half marathon!) that working out/showering/protein-ing up post workout actually takes a good amount of time. I am doing a Beth Moore study that takes up some time every day and I was attempting to memorize the book of James (slacking on that, now that I think about it..) But then, I have a list of books to read, Spanish to study, endless chores - it is so hard for me to occupy my time with these things! I could have every minute of my day busy with something, but instead I spend a lot of it just sitting around being miserable about how I do not like who I am. I am trying desperately to lose weight that I gained after I got married (GRRR!!!!!!!) and I am pretty upset how hard it is. But with me being so down on myself - I am stuck on comfort food! Why can't I be a depressed person that doesn't fix feelings with food?

Goes to show - I have a lot to be praying about, don't I?
I really don't remember what the point of me writing all this out even was anymore!
I need to make changes in my life, and the most hurtful & influential one right now is the comparison trap that I have made for myself and am stuck in..

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